jerry carlin

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11 Mar, 2010

I am a strong believer that you get what you focus on in life,it just happens that way. Happy people look at happy things. Chemo is much the same. If you focus on every uncomfortable issue they have a tendency to grow and become more significant than should be allowed. At the worst it is four hours of process every two weeks and, at the worst, two bad days in 14. That leaves a lot of time for normal living and that is where the focus should be! Today I am going to the coast (Oregon) with my wife and two daughters and Tuxedo, our big dog! So I am not giving the cancer much thought!

09 Mar, 2010

Tuesday! I just had my chemo! There is really not much to report. My main voodoo doctor will be off to Scotland to hike their mountains, so I will be getting a substitute wizard soon. Must be a good job they have! I am told that I will lose my mustache and all hair, some take longer than others! Oh well. No pain, no nausea, and that's good. My greenhouse is wonderful and always warm so I hide out there often. My one volunteer tomato is doing great and the spinich, lettuce, and now some flowers are allup and doing great. Outside in the the snow peas are up! It is still freezing at night though, so we are a ways away from real Spring. I wonder wheather I will have that horrible fatigue again this time?

07 Mar, 2010

Sunday today and my "bad days" of last weekend are a distant memory and I feel fine! Interesting how fast we forget pain. Amongst all the medical testing the did on me I discovered at some time in the past that I broke a collar bone! I have no memory of this whatsoever! Certainly nothing I ever went to a doctor for! These blogs are not alway easy, most of my days are not significant, today the same as yesterday and not much to report on. My snow peas are UP!! and I planted a lot of them this year. My greenhouse, heated by only a little 60watt heater is doing wonderful and I am thinking of planting tomatoes! I have one volunteer growing in there now but will wait until April to start the main seeds. Last year they were almost 3' tall before I put them in the ground! Next Tuesday will be my 3rd round with chemo and I still have my mustache!

03 Mar, 2010

Wednesday, and all went perfect today! The Big job is almost done, will be finished tomorrow! Nothing is really balanced in this life, too much snow for some and none for others, right? So, I haven't worked in three months because of a lousy economy, then I find out about the cancer thing and get this big job, and I am thinking maybe I shouln't do these big jobs for awhile? and the phone rings, "Jerry can you build us an arbor?" Now, did I go into a ong explanation about my cancer and not feeling too hot? Heck NO, I said YES! I will be right over! So now, I have another job! Plenty of time to relax later, and someday, I hope in the way distant future, I will sleep forever! It is NOW and I CAN! and I am so happy about it!Like everyone I need the money but I also need the focus: somebody wants ME to do something for them! and I will get paid to make them happy! That's what I like the most! So with one job done and another to go to, I will sleep well tonight!

02 Mar, 2010

Tuesday and it is March already! I am a LOT better! My mouth is better thanks to a wash of baking soda and salt mixture and I am ready for another round! Next Tuesday for the third shot of chemo! So I can weld and finish the giant job and I might not take another until the cancer thing is gone. Maybe, I have a very hard time saying "no". But I do have a long list of little things to do so I could work on those! Any way, just to let you all know, I am going to be all right!

27 Feb, 2010

Saturday, and now I have to admit that this is not all fun. I feel like I have been in a bar room fight and I lost! My hands hurt, every finger, every joint and they are numb. A wierd combination, pain and numbness! My head might have got the worst of it but my mouth is raw and I am feeling very tired! So, clearly this chemo stuff is working, right? I figure if I feel this bad the cancer cells must be dieing by the thousands! Well I hope so anyway. I am still not sure if these effects are cumulative, meaning every two weeks I feel worse, or it is an up and down thing, little better and a little worse. I will hope for the latter, a recuperative period before the next fight and the next time I won't get knocked around so bad. Spring is on its way and I want to see it and it is only six weeks and I can plant my tomatoes and that will happen for sure! So I am getting up and dusting myself off and I will be a little stronger for this next fight and all will be ok.

26 Feb, 2010

Today is Friday and I am considering taking "a day off". You need to understand that this is a HUGE decision for me because it is something I seldom do. I am tired this morning; I moved a lot of steel yesterday, had to travel to the job yesterday with my little portable welder and make the stair railing frame on the job site. A 20' railing really needs to be perfect or it looks like a snake, up and down and side to side instead of a nice straight hand rail. Well, I am not really supposed to be doing this and today I am paying the price for yesterday! We all do this to a degree and I have a tendency to do it a bit more. At some point during this process I will have to learn to slow down and take life in smaller segments and as a "burning the candel as both ends" kind of guy this will be a whole new experience for me! Like learning Chinese as an old man! anyway, three days after my last chemo and I am feeling slower and older! One day off won't hurt?

25 Feb, 2010

Thursday today and I wanted to share a private note with you. Emily. thank you for being supportive of me! I did have a little debate with myself (I won!) about whether or not to share this cancer experience with my artwanted riends. My thinking went like this: it is when I get to know an artist that their art appeals to me and I learn from that, what they are trying to say. van Gough's life story can be seen in his art and is difficult to separate, J. Pollack and his famous "drippings" that everyone has copied make sense when you know his life story, and so on. The same is true for all artists and for me! The more you know about me, from my garden, my little 1/3 acre, my construction experience and my metal art, my introduction to painting and yes, my cancer, the more you will appreciate my art and what I do. I believe that the "human experience" is an attempt at the Universe trying to understand itself and I am trying to do that also! Thanks so very much, Emily.

24 Feb, 2010

Today is Wednesday, yesterday I had my second chemo treatment! My "port" thingy that is now part of me was too red and the nurses, all beautiful, were worried that it might be leaking! If these chemicals leak out of the veins they cause a lot of burning and damage, a serious matter that would put me into the hospital and take me away from their care! They did not want that! So, I got my chemo in my hand today, which is second best to a working port but a lot better than a leaking port! The port is closer to my heart so the drugs can get thinned out faster. Anyway it all worked fine! I still have my mustache and my hair, I have had no nausea and I have gained eight pounds! I am an "interesting case" and being talked about! I keep telling them I have worked in construction for forty years and with steel for the last 15 years and this is all pretty simple in comparison. I am posting photos of this process in my "Journal series in my gallery, so the gore is all there. My life is really not centered around all this, just 4 hours every two weeks and the occasional stray thought. I just got a big welding job which is terrific in this sick economy and I have planted my lettuce, spinich and snow peas. The garden has begun! Life is grand.

19 Feb, 2010

Wow, it is Friday, 11 DAYS and Nights without a cigarette!!! and I did it! Today is the first day I am really living! I still have the addiction, of course, but I believe I am Free of nicotine!!! First day I have though about painting or working in my shop! I have been very sick, quiet, lethargic, and just plain tired for the past 10 days but I have weathered this storm and I think it might be intermittent from now on. Wow, I have jumped a HUGE obstacle, I was just pretty much shut down for over a week! All is good, it is going to be a lot easier now!