Tuesday, already, the end of the day at that. My youngest baby daughter (25!) will graduate from Law School next month and I won't be able to be there. It is a long flight to Washington D.C., it is six weeks from now when I am told I will be worse. I would be around thousands of people without an immune system! We take the immune system for granted as long as it is working properly. It is pretty amazing really and, when it is operational, does its job with no instructions! Mine doesn't work! This Hodgkin's Lymphoma took a lot of it out the the "cure", this chem stuff I get is pretty successful in killing the rest. I am "to be careful" and the voodoo doctor gives me six pages on what "being careful" means! Most serious is No Cuts! Now, really, I am a welder! I leave my dna everywhere! I cut the steel and it cuts me! so I pretty much ignore that one! the next is "don't work in soil from the garden"! Now, can you imagine that! Me? I do compromize a bit and am careful where I can reasonably be careful. "no large crowds" "no airplanes". My daughter will graduate during my "bad days" and I would probably sleep through it, so I have decided not to go. I went to a LOT of soccer games, went to the school meetings and every other graduation she has had, just not this important one! I am slowly becomming realistic about this thing I have (it still doesn't have me!) and I turned down a job today! I never do that! It was just too much, a lot of heavy lifting for these numb hands of mine! I suspect that I will be turning down more in the future and that is more of a shock to me than having cancer! I have always been the guy who would do anything! and now I am learning to say "no"! Part of this is the cancer, part is just getting older and part of it is I am retired and have other interests. but it is a big change for me! Three days after my daughter graduates she will be in Oregon for the summer! The silver lining to every cloud!!!

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Monday today and I think I will live! What is happening during these three "bad days" is the "cure" is killing me! Well, at least bits and pieces of me, a lot of nerve cells, the hair is still going, the new cells in my mouth and lungs and any fast growing cells I have. All these dead cells create a lot of garbage in the body. I have some kind of cell count that is supposed to be over 2000 parts (per million, I assume) and in this process they drop to less than 500. These are the good cells that are a part of my immune system, so that too dies a little bit. But by Monday, today, this process is reversed and my good cells return. The hope is that the cancer cells also die and that they don't return! Clearly, I am not exactly sure how this works, but I can feel the death part of it. These 10 days are my "good days" and I can almost fly! It is more than getting strong for the next battle. I can weld and work and enjoy my garden and always, forget the battle to come. That is funny, I will go in the same bar with the same frieght train and get run over all over again! But for this week and into the next I won't give that much thought!

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Sunday morning and, I think my last "bad day"! I sleep well and that is good but the days are more of the same! Cancer blogs are difficult to write. I could go on and on about "these three days", tell you of falling asleep at the computer, about the deep pain and numbness in my hands, my headache, the inevitable constipation and how I want this time to pass. I don't really give it much credance in my own thoughts, I just sort of "let it be", knowing or hoping it will pass and I can get on wiith my life. Can you imagine as a child getting measles and then remembering, reliving that week for the rest of your life? We don't do that and neither do I. Even having Cancer I don't think about it much. Will it kill me? It is just as likely the "cure" will kill me! I always thought it would be a heart attack or something sudden or maybe that was wishful thinking! at any rate I don't think it is "my time". I still feel surrounded by life and good cells and they are overpowering these cancer cells. A lot about this whole thing is it is rather boring I do not identify myself as the guy with cancer. I am a decent metalsmith, have an artistic eye, a good laugh, a caring teacher, a good father, and steadfast husband and I am pretty good in the garden. That is who I am.

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Saturday today. and like clockwork the freight train came and took me to the bar fight and I am kicked on the floor and stomped on! it is strange when you just sort of expect this. It is no worse though, just the same tiredness and pain in the hands and a bit of headache. So I am on vacation for these 3 days and I putter about like an old man! By monday I expect to be well so it is not so bad. It is just a pattern that repeats itself and not worthy of description. It is not really depressing, it is just the way it is. I spend a lot more time in the greenhouse, it is always warm there and I am always amazed how much the little plants grow each day. Another week and I can transplant the tomatoes into larger pots!

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Thursday today and I still feel pretty good! I had a huge day yesterday, haven't done that in 20 years! Worked 12 hours, crazy, huh? Lots of metal installations and 20' of ceramic tile countertop! You would think I was a young lad! Mainly I was thinking yesterday was my "best day" and I was about to enter the bar room fight episode where I always lose! and I needed to finish this job! Well, that worked, I did it! and now I get this very wet and rainy day off! and, so far, I still feel fine! Yesterday was bright and sunny and warm, like a gift! I am getting lots of well-wishing and encouragement from my ArtWanted friends! I want to thank you all, it means a lot to me and gives me strength!

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Tuesday, Chemo-day! I took the camera with me to show you the haz-mat suit, the goggles and thick gloves. This is the "red one" and costs about $840 per session. Altogether these chemo-sessions, twice a month cost a little over $3,000 each trip. Save your money! They are not painful. I am on my second Travis McGee Novel that my brother sent me. I read about half the book each time, and always in the middle of the book he is getting beaten up or finds himself with a beautiful woman, and I have to wait until the next session to find out what happens! It's the same with chemo! I am about half done and I have to wait to find out what happens! Looking back on my life, could I have made it more interesting? I don't know. I dropped out of school when I was only 17 and went hitchhiking through Europe. That was so cool I did it again when I was 20 and again when I was 21, each time for 6 months! I did go back to school, and the University and even taught school for three years! I met and married a young English girl when I was only 21!!! We only knew each other for 3 weeks!!! We are still married and still getting to know each other! That is pretty cool! I had my own remodeling company for 30 years,, my own boss! Working twice as hard for half the money! and I quit everything on my 50th birthday, just doing metal art for a living in a shop in my backyard! that was pretty interesting! At 62, a year ago I discovered painting and that is a lot of fun and always mysterious! and now at 63 I have this "stage 3 and 1/2 cancer! and this is what might turn my novel into a comedy! I am not ready, I am not willing, and I do not want to, and I don't think I will. I am, sort of half-way done. My blood and blood counts, and blood pressure and pulse are perfect! I feel strong and will do an iron installation tomorrow and tile a 20' countertop in a greenhouse!

I am on a roll, until Thursday vening or Friday morning and that will begin the trainwreck of my 3 'bad days'. I know it is comming and this time I hope to step off the tracks and just let it go by!

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Easter Sunday! Having Cancer is being in an exclusive club, one I admit, most people would not want to join! However, we do have a lot of members and I am discovering a lot of us have blogs. Many are taking this opportunity to confront Death and even questioning their belief in God! I have not done this, so far at least. I am more like the early St Paul who said "God save me but not yet!" I have way too much to do. It was only last year that I discovered painting and I am sure there is a lot more fun to be had with that! And my dried tomatoes were a hit and fun to smuggle around the world! I want to do a lot more of that! I have cancer, and, yes it is pretty bad. "stage 3 and one half" my voodoo doctor says to be hopeful to me. but none of me feels like I am dieing. On a sliding scale I am not even very sick! So my Blog will be about living and I will confront Death when I get there, and I wonder, will I be pissed off or thankful for the life that was given me? That's funny! I can see it now, all the dead people standing in line when on the intercom come this voice: "all those that are pissed off and angry, upset or mad, please form a line to the right!" Well, I know I won't be in that line.

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Saturday, my good weekend! I don't want you to think I am sick all of the time, mostly I am not at all. This morning I went to breakfast with a friend and I ate the whole thing!: Primne Rib, as big a the plate! Two eggs over medium, a pile of hashbrowns, rye toast and a side of gravy!!! pretty good, huh? It gets even better! The owner of Coyete Steel where I purchace my steel was also there, sitting a couple rows down fro us and he bough our breakfast! I would have had something good if I had known that! and I had three cups of coffee!!! The point of all this is mostly I feel fine and if you saw me you would think so too! I don't give this cancer anything, not a lot of thought and certainly no weight loss! It was a great breakfast, thanks Tod!

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Friday, really! my last post was labeled "Wednesday" and it was actually Thursday! That is one of the things Chemo does! Yesterday, for me, was Wednesday so I didn't take the garbage out to be collected, because I do that on Thursdays! Friday today and I still have my garbage! "Chemo-Brain" it is called, with a laugh! A little confussion is part of the cure! Nasty side effects of the meds! and now, my hands are really swollen! So, as I get more of these symptoms I know that everything is working!!! It is really easy for me to put all this in perspective: would I rather have cancer here, in beautiful and clean Oregon with the greatest health insurance available? Or would I rather have my legs amputated in Haiti? It could be so much worse. I am still working, actually working a lot, Spring is here, the garden is growing, the tomatoes are up in my greenhouse, I sleep well in a comfortable bed in a nice house, my friends call and write and e-mail me, the dog wags his tail when he sees me and the shop kitty sits on my lap when I am on the computer. It could be a lot worse and I find myself grateful for all that I have!

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