Prince Charming lasted exactly one royal reception and half a champagne toast before “discovering true love” in the palace chamber maid’s broom closet, leaving Snow White still in her dress and already downgraded to a cautionary tale. With no crown, no cash, and a kingdom that treated women like decorative furniture with a pulse, she did what any dethroned princess would do—moved back in with the seven dwarfs, who each, in their own enthusiastic but deeply questionable way, “contributed” to her future. Unfortunately, coal mining turned out to be less of a career and more of a countdown to Black Lung, and one by one they coughed, wheezed, and dramatically exited stage left. Snow White was left holding seven screaming monuments to catastrophic judgment and a mountain of debt stacked higher than a dragon’s credit card bill—only without the dragon, the treasure, or even a decent villain to blame.