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Self Portrait

Dio vi benedica

I want to create a poignant statement, an expression of touching emotion that will endure, but why? Why would I or anyone else for that matter, wish to create such a thing-painting, sculpture, to author a sentence, a paragraph, book, etc. for any reason or purpose? It is innately within us the desire to create because we are created in the image of our creator, and passed on to us in that process is the need to make something of nothing. So what drives that need? What fuels that desire? I know that I am not the only person who struggles with failures, who fights back tears, who has lost good things due to my own iniquity, my own ill actions, words, thoughts, sins. I know that I'm not the only one who thinks that if I write down on paper, as a means of letting it out, the pent up emotions that press painfully onto the sensitivity of my soul, that I can somehow by doing so release it, let it go, or at least relieve the pressure that it creates. Emotions create pressures that in turn create emotion. Creation in this sense is perpetual, it is self-driven, self sourced, self fueled, cyclical and eternal. So if as a means of releasing perceived pent up negativity, we determine to create a way out for ourselves, we are simultaneously and conversely creating a way in. A way into our own soul, which therefore becomes a positive aspect of our own self-healing souls. This is God working within us. It is His divine nature that we create for ourselves a need to not suffer, and it is His will that we seek His healing hand in our search to fulfill that need for He knows we cannot fulfill this need alone. He knows this for He created us exactly that way. We were created to love, with love. We were given compassion, sensitivity and emotion as gifts to fulfill the purpose for which we were created, but we choose not to use them out of selfishness. It is often that lasting things of splendid eloquence, and of beauty are a result of peace, love and joy. It could unlikely be as frequent that beauty is a derivative of internal strife and pain. It is frequent that articles of hatred, loathsome insolence, and ugliness come about by negativity and when they do they are short lived and admired by few, but it is never that ugliness is a creation of love. So why create anything? It is innate within us as I have previously stated, but what do we seek as an end result when we begin creating something? Do we seek happiness, a sense of accomplishment, something to share? All of these things come from within, not externally. If we do something nice, something good for someone solely with the initial intent of getting something in return, we are doing nothing good at all, we are giving nothing, and our belief, our faith in anything good ever happening to us begins to erode. We will not allow anyone to do something good for us, to give us anything because we will think they are only doing so with the intent of expecting something from us in return. So the key to faithfulness therefore, becomes service without fanfare. That means that once we can learn to give and share without expecting anything in return will be the only time we will truly be happy and in turn will be able to appreciate, with great joy, any time anyone does something good for us or gives something to us. What does faithfulness and giving have to do with creation? This: having a lack of faith and an inability to give without expecting something in return creates bitterness. The natural talents, attributes and abilities that allow you to create, that you are hardwired with before your birth will not flourish, will not function properly if you are or become bitter, they stagnate and you will begin to sit them on a shelf, and you will never revisit them or use them at all, where they will wither and die. Bitterness is in a sense equal to anger. We use anger to mask pain. Bitterness is poison that kills relationships, peace, love, happiness and contentment and therefore must be purged from within us. To not be bitter is to be happy right? But how difficult can that be when I sit and see the sun shining outside and all I can think of is the rain that fell all day the day before, and all the while it was raining I thought of days when the sun shined. I looked up at the grey raining sky and lifted my spirit above it to where the sun was shining brightly just right on the other side of that dreary sopping blanket above me, which in a certain sense I find security under. Is that normal? Am I OK and are these the things that fuel creation for me or am I an emotional mental mess? Even if I am the latter, if that fuels creation that is beautiful and good, creation of a delusional world that I lack but desperately desire, creation that can be transferred, shared, and seen as good, then the end state of my being an emotional wreck is exactly how I am supposed to be. We create for ourselves, over the course of our lifetime intricate, complex and elaborate belief systems that are in a constant state of flux. We alter them, add to them, and delete from them aspects of our thinking to make them continue to work for us. Consider the acronym for the term "belief system": BS! And that is just what it is and here is why; belief systems are created, altered AFTER we do something, as a means of justifying our own actions. We then rely on that BS for future actions, which in retrospect are incorrect as well, so we alter our BS again and again. The only thing that does not change, is unwaiverable and unfaltering, that is rock solid and stable, that gives peace, comfort, light, love and joy is OUR creator. Have faith in God. If you don't have it, GET it. Get right or get left. Find a way to trust in Him and His Holy word. Your life will change in ways you cannot imagine. God will bless you. Randy Eugene Smith 22 0ctober, 2006

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