Dec. 13th: Timothy Simpson 's Weekend Scraps: I'm glad Jerry Lewis never played accordion, "La-a-a-ady of Spain"... Is that in 13/4? Augh! Hold on, i need to put my 4 calling birds on vibrate... I ate too many pretzels yesterday, today my stomach is in knots, "... ..." Who's there? "... ..." Mime who? "... ..." Ha!
Dec. 10th: Tips From Tim... tired of finding wet $$ bills in the laundry? Laminate your money. If you're going to arrive home late, bring a huge ball of dough. This keeps the wife busy & helps you escape a wielding roller. If you need help, get a student loan. I got 3 to help me put up Xmas lights. Class dismissed
Dec. 9th: Only 1 of these is true: If a Black Forest Cake falls & no one is around then it has no calories. The increase of barb wire tattoos is due to the increase of cows escaping via your bicep. Smoked Salmon comes in 2 flavors, reg & mentholated. Nancy Palosi wears wide screen contacts
Dec. 8th: Would you pick up a hitch hiking Santa with a sign, "Christmas or bust"? Suddenly Christmas is your responsibility. Maybe all those wrapped axes in his sack are for needy lumberjacks. Would you glance in his sack for your gift? Hmmm is that a silky stick pony?!
Dec. 7th: Happy Dec. 7th. Later this evening i'm going to a Xmas tree bombing. & I wonder if Global Warming is fooled by flocked trees? What if we all universally chant 'Brrr!' Ok it's decided I'm for Flocking brown bears & the Polar caps! [Whew!] the earth is now fixed... next?
Dec. 4th: Timothy Simpson 's Weekend Scraps: Went to a livestock show... thought the swimsuit competition was unnecessary... but hey, nice porterhouse bossy. Seeing Twilight's New Moon makes me wish I could buy Lee Press On Abs… So, does a pregnant Werewolf ever hire a mid-wolf?
Dec. 3rd: Odd news day... the man who invented Nicoderm was found shot... so far detectives have found no smoking gun. World's smallest cowboy & ant farmhand was stepped on & then saved at a 'Barn Again' dance & Superman was grounded after a goose flew up his nose
Dec. 2nd: Only 1 of these is true: I met an Onion Peeler salesman... I promised myself I wasn't going to cry. My Vegan Aunt got an Artichoke Heart Transplant. I worked a Fair in a town so bad, the Stilt Walker ended up on 23 blocks. Some Earrings make great Fishing Lures
Dec. 1st: So, I guess ‘Mormons can dance’… Dancing Osmond is not an Oxy Mormon. Is it true? Adam Lampert will star in the Smutcracker Ballet? & yeesh... Cirque Du Beatles, Cirque Du Elvis... have they done Cirque Du Leo Sayers yet?
Nov. 30 th 2009: Adopt a Highway? Can i just be a big brother for a driveway? & When is the best time to tell a highway its adopted... Maybe i'll just adopt a dirt road from a 3rd world country.
