May 4th 2010: What a weekend... down at the beach I saw an extreme sport… an 85 year old lady roller skating, then i watched a man flail around playing air 1-man band & finally i saw a runway model contest… They all did well until they were given a piece of gum.
April 30th 2010: Timothy‘s Weekend Scraps: CBS cancelled CSI Antarctica… it always ended with a penguin in handcuffs. A Lobster fisherman told his wife he won’t stop chasing tail. “My hands are tied… with rubberbands!” & a pet store is offering a new politically correct Parrot, “Rah! Polly want a Caucasian!”
April 29th 2010: Only 1 of these is true: Forest Rangers have discovered a herd of Mormon Beavers building a darn, Shawn King says she had an affair with Nobody, Carl Nobody. Ginsu has designed a knife so sharp... now anyone can cut the mustard & Tim has A.D. --- [Gasp] paradiddles with bubblewrap!
April 28th 2010: Wow, I just read about a K-9 unit that broke up a prostitution ring at the dog park. They dressed a poodle in vice as a pant leg & apprehended an Alaskan Hussy, a Jack Hustle Terrier & a Spread Beagle. So, if your dog is reading this, SQUIRREL!
April 27th 2010: Hmmm, what do Olympians do in the off season? Do Luger's work at the really really jiffy lube? Do Javelin throwers deliver shish kabobs to go or perform cross country acupuncture? Do Curlers work as pet store custodians cleaning the turtle cage? Hmmm.
April 26th 2010: What a weekend… Met a foot model, she was very short. I noticed the ducks down at MacArthur Park seemed very agitated… could they be strung out on quack? And i saw a midget gardener accidentally step on a back scratcher - whap! [Put a tenderloin tip on that eye]
April 23rd 2010: Timothy‘s Weekend Scraps: Monday I won a Spam Calling contest… "Hoooormel!" Tuesday I sat next to a mannequin in the Dr’s office… I’ll assume he was there for a placebo? Yesterday my wife said she loved the cartoons I sent... [sigh] I was Sexting!
April 22nd 2010: All day people call & say 'Happy B-earth-day!' Thank you... but um.. er... i don't mean to be picky... but you ...um... spelled Birth wrong. Make sure to use spell check next time... And this 'Hug a tree' thing... how about hugging a Tim!!!
Happy Litter Day… [It begins just after the Earth Day rallies.] Someone sent me an Earth Day cake... Mm mm Topsoil & Melting icing… & having Mother Nature jump out of it with biodegradable hybrid tassels was a nice touch. There’s something else about today… Hmmm, what am I forgetting…
April 21st 2010: Seriously? Craigslist uses the term ‘Background Talent?’ Really? Loitering is now a gift? If so, i’m seeing a lot of background talent child prodigy’s. 'Wanted, Uninhibited Nude Asians?' I guess shy nude Asians hiding behind a couch need not apply. Wanted Plus size contortionists? You guys take this one. Seriously?
-Seriously? More… just 2 mins ago i read this on craigslist, "Unwanted Nose Hair?" Well they ain't getting mine!
April 20th 2010: Why did the inventor of the Spork stop. [Spoon + Fork] Can you guess the siblings of these? The Spadel? Fongs, The Woon, The Pitch Shork & the Swiss Army Corkawlscissoscrewthpick? [Answers on the back of your monitor.]
