May 17th 2010: What a weekend... performed for Show-Offs Anonymous... U should have seen it… worked w Larry the limbo dancer who could limbo & play the upright piano & tonight I have a gig for the Hells Angles… a group of mean geometry teaching bikers
May 14th 2010: Timothy‘s Weekend Scraps: I once modeled on radio. Wouldn’t Weiner cows b gr8? Joke upd8: What do u get when u cross a chicken w a centipede? Buffalo wings 4 every1! I get the giant ear hole piercing now… they’re human cup holders! Attention Apple, we need an app 4 stopping oil leaks.
May 13th 2010: Hmmmm how to plug that oil leak. 1. Turn off the shut off valve. [Located just below the panhandle.] 2. Migrate 30,000 Sea Sponges. 3. Giant balloon. [Sigh ok condom] 4. Orca Underwater Glue... the spackle of the sea...
May 12th 2010: Only 1 of these is true, the Pillsbury Doughboys grandpa is a Pastry old white guy, a Romanian weatherman was the first to score the perfect storm, an operatic spider has learned how to catch flies in his mouth and Tim’s biorhythm for today is reggae
May 11th 2010: Seriously?! Y the extra long limos? R rich people now bowling while driving? & now we have 2 w8 while u parallel park w the horizon! This is a car chase I’d like to c. Probably end in a cul-de-sac. “U in the back, put the horseshoe down, walk down the hallway & come out w your hands up!”
May 10th 2010: What a weekend, I saw a dog catcher drive by with a teacup poodle in his cup holder, got a steal on eBay… $15 for a vintage I-pad… course the knobs only let me draw horizontal & vertical & I lost 12 lbs so now I can fit in a size 6 straight jacket.
May 7th 2010: Timothy Simpson ‘s Weekend Scraps: I have our economic answer, ea American needs 2 sell 10,000 chocolate bars to the Chinese or get them to sponsor a walk-a-thon, I performed at a children’s zoo… it’s the best place for them & later I’m performing for the dept. of redundancy dept
May 6th 2010: Only 1 of these is true: I just got hired to be a face eraser for a Zulu picnic, the repair kit I bought for my Plasma TV is just a box of Giant Band-Aids, I gave $50 to Support halfway pools for troubled teen whales before they become killer whales & i can play the 1-handed air French horn
May 5th 2010: My memory is awful but I think today is a holiday… so happy Ginko de Mayo! Let’s do some mental aerobics… think with your right hemisphere, 2-3-4… now think with your left hemisphere 2-3-4… ow! Cramp! Doy doy doh! duh! … um… And if elected…
May 5th 2010: Went to a concert last night. Y are lead guitarists so angry? Is it the huge crowds adulation that gets on his nerve? How bad is it really Mr. Pissy Play for 45 min. Guitar Hero?! & I guess I won’t be a rock drummer. Apparently you have to play without a shirt. Maybe I could distract folks with my tassels?
