Aug. 13th 2010: Only 1 of these is true… Rainbow trout are actually gay trout. An archeologist has discovered the 1st McDonald’s menu which included Pterodactyl McNuggets. You’ll get more from your wind chime if you keep a fish bowl full of blowfish just below it & Tim’s blood type is red.
Aug. 12th 2010: I attended a funeral for a fellow clown. We all rode in the hearse together. When our Smart Hearse arrived there wasn’t a dry squirting daisy in the procession. The 21 bike horn salute was a nice touch.
Aug. 11th 2010: Similarly to ice skaters, at the end of my performance I too would like to be showered with stuffed animals, trinkets & flowers. [Since I’m a comic, why not rubber chickens, whoopee cushions & a joke book][Tomatoes? Take them out of the can 1st!]
Aug. 10th 2010: What a weekend... saw the Rap group AKA… also known as AKA, met the Ceo of a Hat Rack Co. who only has 2 employees… obviously he has to wear many hats & I did a show for the Liars Club for $5 Million dollars. I killed. They kept yelling, “More accordion, more accordion!”
Aug. 6th 2010: Timothy’s Weekends Scraps: I want a Yo Yo with cruise control, as I get older… the wee hours of the morning have a whole new meaning & how do they catch Popcorn Shrimp? Do they use Teenie Movie House traps?
Aug. 5th 2010: I went to a Dodger game last night & got 12 new beach balls. Folks booed. Jealousy? I came to watch baseball not play volleyball with my head. "Zero, 1425 service! Rotate everybody!" Apparently random bombarding beach balls create an atmosphere of fun so I’m going to try this at the DMV today.
Aug. 4th 2010: Seriously?! Almond milk? Where are the udders? Do dairy farmers now have to be good with a microscope? & what did microbiologist do before the microscope… extreme squinting? “Objects are smaller than they appear?” Really? Are there 5 ft paramecia’s walking our streets? Seriously?!
Aug. 3rd 2010: Only 1 of these is true: At the Magic Castle I left the waiter a thumb tip, the menu item “Fruit Medley” actually hit #1 on the 1978 Billboard Charts, a truck carrying Poligrip jackknifed & firemen had to use the Gums-of-Life to remove the driver & Tim is terminally silly
Aug. 2nd 2010: What a weekend… Performed at an illiteracy convention & got a standing M, I tried a new vegan cafés salad bar… it was ‘All You Can Rake’ & I won a trophy for “Humility” at a rotary banquet… it was the biggest one! Incidentally, rotary clubs always make me dizzy.
July 30th 2010: Timothy?'s Weekend Scraps: I wonder if Donald Duck ever sang, “Someday my pants will come…” Do elderly firemen sleep with their jaws of life in a glass of water by their bed side? Sunday I’m taking an antique chair to the beach to have it refinished by a few sand crabs
