GENUINE MARTIAN ORCHID. I WENT TO THIS RARE ORCHID SHOW 2 WEEKS AGO AND WAS DOING SOME BROWSING LOOKING FOR SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR THE JUNGLE YARD. I SAW THE WICCAN WHICH I BOUGHT AND SENT IT BACK TO SCOTLAND WHERE IT BELONGED. I PAID 1000 FOR IT. BUT SPIRITUAL THINGS BELONG WHERE THEY ARE MEANT TO BE. SO I AM SLIGHTLY AND QUIETLY ACCOSTED BY A VERY BENT, I THINK IT IS CALLED A DOWAGERS HUMP, FROM NOT ENOUGH CALCIUM, BUT I DIGRESS, ANYHOW SHE HAD ONE. IT DIDN'T PUT ME OFF, SHE HAD SUCH A SWEET FACE. SORT OF A GRAY HALO OF HAIR AND SUCH A SHADE OF EYES LIKE PERSIAN TURQUOISE. BUT FOR SOME REASON, I TRAVELED IN HER EYES. I MEAN, I WENT DOWN INTO THEM AS IF MY WHOLE BODY JUST SLID DOWN THEM AS IF ON ONE OF THOSE SLIDES WITH WATER ON THEM AT THE FAIR. IT WAS ALL SWOOSHIE AND THE NOISE WAS DEAFENING AND EVERYONE KNOWS I CANNOT STAND LOUD NOISES SO I BEGAN TO GET DISTURBED, BUT I COULDN'T CLIMB OUT OF THOSE EYES. I BEGAN TO BREATHE LIKE MY YOGA GUY TELLS ME, AND FINALLY I CLAWED MY WAY OUT AND SHE JUST SMILED A BIG GRANDMOTHER SMILE LIKE SHE HAD A GIANT SECRET. EVERYBODY KNOWS I AM TOO CURIOUS SO I SAYS TO HER, WHAT IS IT, WHY DO YOU SMILE LIKE THAT. SHE SAW THAT I WAS DRESSED IN MY DE RIGUER BLACK ARTIST OUTFIT, NO BERET, AND SHE ASKED ME TO COME CLOSER. SHE REALLY HAD NO ORCHIDS THAT I HAD NEED OF SPECIES OF, I HAVE BEEN TOLD I AM SLIGHTLY OVER THE TOP WITH THE ORCHIDS. BUT IT IS MY INHERITENCE. SO I SPEND IT ON JOYOUS BEAUTY. SHE SAID SONNY, AND I HATE THAT, SO I LOOK YOUNG. I AM IN MY 50S FOR THE LOVE OF THE SAINT. SHE PULLED ME CLOSER AND SHE HAD AN ODOR LIKE AN ATTIC WITH SOME SORT OF DEODERANT THAT PEOPLE PUT UP THERE. I WAS A BIT NONPLUSSED AND STARTED TO BOLT, BUT SHE SAID, YOU'LL BE SORRY. YOU FOLKS KNOW THAT I AM CURIOUS. SO I SAID SORRY, MUM, ABOUT WHAT. SHE TELLS ME SHE HAS A SPECIAL ORCHID NO ONE ELSE HAS IN THIS WORLD. I SORT OF LAUGHED BECAUSE I HAVE A HUGE COLLECTION AND KNOW ALL THE LATIN GENUS AND SUCH. AN EXPERT YOU KNOW. SHE SAYS SO QUIETLY I HAD TO MOVE CLOSER TO THAT ATTIC SMELL. I HELD MY SILK KERCHEIF TO MY NOSE AND SAID WHAT DID YOU SAY, SHE SAID AGAIN SO QUITELY. YOU KNOW SONNY, AND YOU KNOW HOW I HATE THAT, SHE SAID, THEY HAVE ORCHIDS ON THE COLD SIDE OF MARS. THEY FREEZE AND THAW AT WILL. THEY CONTROL THEIR OWN TEMPERATURE. I HAD TO LAUGH. BUT POLITELY, I DO HAVE AN ABUNDANCE OF MANNERS. MARTIAN HUH? SHE SAYS I HAVE ONE BACK HERE. JUST ONE. I, BEING CURIOUS, ASKED THE PRICE AND COULD I VEIW IT. SHE SAID NO, YOU MUST BUY IT FIRST AND TRUST ME. WELL THAT WAS TAKING THE MIKE. SO I SAID SHOW ME FIRST, SHE DID NOT BUDGE. SO I HAVING WAY TOO MUCH MONEY, MORE THEN SENSE, GAVE HER THE 750 DOLLARS SHE ASKED. I WENT TOWARDS THE BACK AND SHE GRABBED ME AND KISSED ME ON THE LIPS. I HAVE A HARD TIME WITH THAT. SO I JUMPED BACK AND GRABBED THE PACKAGE AND SORT OF RAN. WHEN I GOT TO THE CAR AND LOOKED IN THE PACKAGE, I HAD TO LAUGH AT MYSELF. TAKEN BY THE DOWAGER ATTIC SMELL LADY. FOOLED. NOT MY FIRST TIME SO, I JUST LAUGHED, I COULD HAVE GONE BACK IN AND DEMANDED MY MONEY BACK, THE ORCHID CLEARLY WAS NOT FROM MARS FOR THE LOVE OF THE SAINT. AND YOU CAN SEE THAT RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. CLEARLY VENUSIAN, IT WAS OBVIOUS. A TRUE STORY INVENTED BY MICHAEL FORBUS