Change in the Wind

It's been a few months and I've been busy.  I just posted the posting I wrote a few months ago.  I picked myself up finally.  My sis finally issued an ultimatum because I was feeling so sorry for myself.  We also experienced a crisis. My sis and her hubby couldn't shelter me anymore. They went through an awful change in income.  I'm going roundabout in all this because I don't want to say what happened This is a very public blog and they are very private people.  I stopped writing for a while and I was fine with that.  I know that no one really reads my posts but it makes me feel better to write it.  I stopped crying and i focused on looking for work.  I stopped talking to my guy and just did what I had to do.  I found a full time job and I stepped up.  I helped them out and started growing up.  I provided for myself and I even help out with the bills.  I was so proud of myself for that.  I still am.  It's something that no one can give me.  I stopped talking to everyone and just focused on making my life better.  It worked.  I ignored everyone and just did what I had to do.  I realized that I let everyone get me down.  I develop all these doubts because I do care what people think of me.  It hurts and I have no self esteem.  It occurred to me one night after I was feeling sorry for myself.  It was horrible.  I was crying because no one was calling me back for an interview.  We were running out of money and time.  If I didn't get a job, I would have to go back to New Jersey.  I didn't want that.  Every time I go back there, I literally have a nervous breakdown.  It happens every time I talk or communicate with my mother.  It's a proven fact.  I knew I couldn't go back there.  I was prepared to work two jobs just to make it and have a place to live.  I was fine with that. i was just not hearing anything from the places I applied to.  It's the same sob story of course and it sucks ass. I didn't want to be unemployed anymore.  

Then, I interviewed for this long shot job as a reservation agent.  OH MY GOD!!!!!  I MANAGED TO GET IT!!!!!!!  I was so ecstatic, then I was worried that I would have a breakdown again like what happened the last time.  I was terrified that everyone at work would know about it.  It' s still something that terrifies me.  My doctor told me that this fear is normal because now I have something to lose.  It struck me in the doctor's office that I have something to lose.  It makes everything much more frightening.  I have something to hide and I have to be careful I don't say anything.  I have to try so hard at this job not to fail and fall on my face like I usually do.  I didn't know if I could do it. I had no other alternatives.  There wasn't anything left for me to try.  I was below the bottom.  You know how they say alcoholics and addicts experience the bottom? Well, non addicted people experience the same thing without any barriers to how horrible it is.  That's much worse.  You experience everything without any escapes or numbness. It just hit me that I'm the one at the bottom and I'm not doing anything about it.  Someone told me once to stop trying to get up and just stay down.  I fought that for so long and then I stopped fighting it.  Then I was forced out of it through another turn of bad circumstances. I do not have the luxury of feeling down and out anymore. Things turned out for the better though.  I still have not fallen on my face and I still have work.  I still feel depressed and I still cry at night.  I have bad days where nothing goes right for me.  I've learned though that the day passes no matter how bad you feel.  The good thing is that every day you experience change.  That means that nothing stays the same.  I took it to mean that I won't be crying the next day.  The funny thing is everyone keeps telling me that I'm doing better every day.  I"m slowly learning that I have to turn off my brain and just keep moving.  I even started talking to someone at work.  i also started selling Avon and I'm now looking for a place to live on my own.  It's a big change in my life and I feel like I'm walking a tightrope.  I feel like I'm going to fall any moment now but I still keep going.  I like to think that everyone feels that way. I keep trying to tell myself that everything is ok now but honestly who knows if that is true.  You just never know when something bad will happen again that will change everything.  All I know though is that I'm sick of it and i just want my life to be peaceful.  Oh, I also know that I don't ever want to be alone but I know that I am.  I have no idea if that will change either.  I'll just do my best and hope that it works.  That philosophy works for me.  I laugh at that.  I like it too.  So long for now.  

The Smell of Desperation

I've been up, down, and all around this past summer.  Well to be honest, this whole year has been crazy.  I'm happy to report that I've made a ton of progress mentally and emotionally.  It's been a bad struggle with depression.  I never really realized that it was something I lived with for a long time without knowing about it.  Even when I was diagnosed it didn't hit me as to how much it has affected my life.  Then I took a depression test and I scored very high.  I realized that I didn't have long periods of happiness or even contentment.  It sounds cliche but I thought it would be something that a  pill could fix.  I wanted the pills and the doctors to fix this problem.  It didn't work.  I just got depressed and unwilling to do anything more and more.  I did the CBT therapy, the pills, the whole nine yards.  But all I saw was black and white.  I didn't want to get better.  I didn't want to be fixed.  I just wanted to be left alone.  In fact I still do.  I still feel hopeless about this whole thing.  I still don't understand any of it and I highly doubt I will.  
There was a change a few months back.  I started talking to someone.  It was very light and I didn't really have any expectations about any of it.  It just made me feel better to talk to someone.  I didn't feel so alone and afraid all the time.  Well just like a movie, these feelings between us grew and grew.  I don't know why, but I felt like I could talk to him and everything would be better.  Just one conversation with him and the load felt lighter.  I didn't feel so burdened and heavy.  Our conversations got intense and we shared a lot of things with each other.  Since we weren't face to face, I felt much more comfortable saying whatever I wanted.  I felt like I was walking on air after a month of just straight talking to him.  We took our time and he told me he wanted to do things slowly.  He's been through a lot too and he didn't want to rush into anything.  I have to say, I had no voice of reason at the time.  I was just walking on sunshine and I didn't care what anyone else said about it too.  Then the awful thing happened.  I invited him over and he didn't come.  I know it was a big risk but I wanted to do things differently from the past.  I waited for him like a dumbstruck schoolgirl.  I waited for hours.  He told me he couldn;'t hear me and it was not the right time.  He kept repeating that over an over.  I have to say the suspicions started cropping up especially when I told my closest friends and family.  But I still believed in what we had and I still waited for him.  In fact, I'm still waiting for him.  Yes, I feel like an idiot.  But, I never had this closeness and connection with anyone else before. 
He broke my heart a lot and it sounds dumb to say that because we only just had conversations with each other.  Well, long story short this really hurt and I came undone.  I didn't go crazy or anything but I was a wreck.  I started falling back into old habits and I stopped cooking.  I stopped writing, drawing, painting, or exercising.  I just stayed home and watched tv.  I kept eating and eating without tasting anything.  All I did was play facebook all day.  I really fell into bad habits.  I would just sit there and zone out.  I cried all the time and my family became so worried and angry.  My sister told me that if I went back into old habits, she'd kill him.  She didn't want me to end up in the hospital again.  It was a big risk to take at my state but I thought it would be worth it.  It didn't work out the way I wanted it to.  
However, my doctor pointed out that there was a good side to all this.  He said that this person got me to open up and be more involved in other people.  He said it was a breakthrough.  I wanted to punch my doctor when he said this.  It didn't feel like a breakthrough.  I felt worse than before.  I started realizing that I haven't felt feelings this intense in a very long time.  I've had my heart broken many times by people I loved.  It was something I never ever want to remember.  This feeling of devastation and desperation.  It was awful.  You feel like the whole world has betrayed you just by having good weather.  I remember hating every living thing on this earth and nobody cares.  It made me want to kill everything.  That's awful to say but it's true.  I felt taken advantage of and I felt used.  I started wondering why he was talking to me in the first place.  In fact, I started thinking that about everyone whoever talked to me.  I hated that I was feeling so much just because of one man.  The horrible thing was I couldn't stop talking to him.  It was like some weird obsession.  The feeling of exposure just hurt.  I screamed at him too.  I just don't know if he heard me or not.  I screamed at him a lot.  I learned he could turn a deaf ear when he really wanted to.  We couldn't stop talking to each other though.  We were obsessed with each other.  We still are.  It was and still is painful for both of us I think.  I vowed never to talk to him again too.  I broke that too.  I kept seeking him out.  He still hasn't told me why he can't come.  I want to clarify something to you.  He didn't stand me up once or even twice.  It was done over the course of two months.  I do understand why he didn't hear me and it makes sense.  It just sucks that we are both this way.  I still feel this anger but it's not so intense.  I still feel this urge to go to his place and kick him.  Anyway, I had this go on for a little while.  It's why I haven't written anything new since August.  We did talk to each other.  We stand each other up all the time.  I guess we're just old and forgetful like that.  I told him that I can't wait for him though.  I told him that I was moving on with my life and that when he is ready I'll be there too.  I had a good talk with a friend of mine and it makes sense.  I'm not the only one in this relationship.  He's going through so many issues too.  If he's not ready then I can't force that.  I hate realizing that.  I just flew and blossomed when i met him.  I would love to think I opened him up too.
I had an awful moment after this whole episode.  I realized I wanted him to do everything that I was scared to do.  I wanted him to make me feel better and not be depressed.  I wanted him to hold me up all the time without giving anything back.  I basically had a princess complex.  I wanted him to save me from my tower.  He wasn't the only one I did that too.  Everyone's been holding me up while I had my breakdown.  They didn't want me to crash and burn.  I was just sitting in my place mooning over someone that I haven't even met.  It was a rough wake up call.  It got rougher too.  My little family got shell shocked and rocked with some bad news a few weeks ago.  I'm not going to be specific but it's pretty bad.  My sister and I had a really bad fight.  It went on for a few weeks too.  She was tired of holding me up.  She was tired and felt used by me.  She told me that I'm like a ticking time bomb to her now.  She never knows when I'm going to blow up.  She was tired of supporting me and I don't blame her.  I felt inadequate again.  I felt I had no good reason for being this way but it was the reality I was facing.  I'm here and I'm broken and I keep getting broken.  It sucked.  I woke up and realized that everyone I knew was leaving me behind in the past.  I was wasting time by being so scared to move and I felt so dumb.  I have no money, I'm beholden to everyone, and I can't even function with other people.  I could barely talk to other people face to face.  I couldn't even ask for help.  I was a whole lot of mess.   This is written in October I think.......Just an update   

Bucatini!!!!

I haven't written in the blog in a while.  I've been cooking, I've just been feeling lazy about writing all these things down.  And I've been more than tired lately.  But here's my latest one and hopefully it will be tried and it will taste good.  I've been running out of things to say of course which is probably why I haven't written.  I've felt really depressed lately and my food is one of those things.  I don't think my food is up to par anymore but it is a work in progress.  I really love this pasta so here you go. 

Bucatini with tomato and basil

Serves: 4

1 package of bucatini noodles

1 large clove of garlic, minced

2 T chopped scallions

2 c. cherry tomatoes, cut in half

2 c. frozen spinach defrosted

2 T olive oil

1 tsp. salt and pepper

1 T chopped basil

½ c. pasta water

Directions

1. Bring large pot of water to a boil. Add salt and olive oil to pot.  Drop bucatini pasta in and let cook until noodles have plumped up and is al dente.  It should take about 5-10 minutes. 

2. While your waiting for pasta to cook, heat a large sauté pan with olive oil.  Use medium heat on the stove.  When oil is hot, add scallions and garlic.  Stir until translucent.  Add cherry tomatoes and sauté until they burst and start imparting their juice.  Tomatoes should be soft and start squishing with a spoon.  Season with salt and pepper.  Put in spinach and stir.

3.  Add pasta to pan and stir until  noodles are coated in sauce.  Add some pasta water to make it moist and stir until ingredients are cooked together.  Turn off and place in large bowl.  Add mozzarella cheese and fresh basil.  Toss together and serve while hot. 

v I used this as a side for my grilled bone in pork chops.  It’s pretty good when you mix it together.  But it’s also good as main dish.  Just add grilled chicken or little neck clams to make it a main dish. 

Happy list

I have decided to put my happy list on this blog for anyone to follow.  I have been battling depression and it was suggested that I make a list of things to do when I get depressed.  It took me a long time to come up with this list because I have gotten so blue that I didn't think anything would make me better.  But I started doing this list thing a few months ago and surprisingly it's worked.  I have to push myself very hard to do these things because these are mainly things I do when I'm happy. But, I've learned that sometimes it's good to push yourself out of the hole and try to make things at least seem better than they are.  It's not always a bad thing to lie to yourself is it? It's also very good for distracting yourself and I have found that this is a list that changes my environment and makes it more upbeat.  I have found that it's not becoming a distraction to do these things, it's become something that makes me feel fulfilled and more content.  Dare I say a little happy?!  For all of you reading this out there, just in case your blue take some time and find little things that inspire your day. Feed your soul and let things happen naturally.  It will take some time and I'm not saying I'm cured or anything, but it makes me feel like I accomplished something great when I do a few things on the list. I have found that feeling fulfilled and valued is one of the key things that keep dark depressive feelings away.  It's one of the things I am trying to find in my life because it gives me purpose and I don't feel as directionless as before.  So please try it out and make your own and have fun with it.  Buddha says Relax!!!  :P

Steph’s Happy List

July 2011

v Watch something Funny        30 min.

v Bother Sasha and Sam                 10 min.

v Draw, Paint, Color Art               20 min.

v Listen to music and sing along    30 min.

v Research new recipes                    10 min.

v Clean, do some chores                    5 min.

v Express my feelings to someone    20 min.

v Play a game                                                  20 min.

v Sing Karaoke                                    30 min.

v Talk to someone                           10 min.

v Think about my boyfriend                                                                                                  unlimited

Ride the wave dude!!!

Pansit Pansit!!

I make this recipe when I have leftover stuff in the fridge or freezer.  I also make this recipe when I don't have a lot of money to make food. The noodles can be found in the asian store and are usually pretty inexpensive.  I don't remember the prices but one package of rice noodles (bihon) usually contain 6 large bunches of noodles each. The sutanghon is the noodles in plastic covered with the pink wiry stuff like where they put fresh seafood in. You get 6 bunches per package. This is my favorite type of noodles because they absorb a lot of flavor and have really good texture when you bite into it.  The  You can use any type of noodle you want, just follow package directions for it.  For this recipe I usually put two bunches sutanghon and 1bunch of bihon each for 4 people.  Also, you can substitute salt with soy sauce.  So it's a win win.  Be careful not to over cook it because it's easy to overcook.  Remember, you can use any vegetable you have in your pantry.  If you're using canned vegetables make sure you strain the liquid and rinse them to get rid of preservatives.

Steph’s Easy Pansit

Serves 4

6 pieces chicken thighs(1 package)

1 bunches rice noodles (bihon)

2 bunches sutanghon noodles, soaked in warm water for 5-10 minutes

1 c. chopped carrots cut medium dice

1 c. frozen spinach or kale defrosted

1 c. sugar snap peas cut into bite size pieces

2 chicken bouillons with 1 c. water

2 tsp. onion powder

2 tsp. ginger powder

2 tsp. lemon pepper

1 ½ tsp. black pepper

1 tsp. salt

2 T. lemon juice

1 T. soy sauce

1 T. olive oil

½ c. chopped scallion cut diagonally

Directions

1.   Make sure you soak the sutanghon noodles.  Use a large wok or large pan with a wide circumference and a lid.

2.  Cut the chicken thighs into bite size cubes and season with 1 tsp. lemon pepper, 1 tsp. onion powder, 1 tsp. ginger powder, ½ tsp. black pepper and 1 tsp. salt. 

3.  Turn fire to medium high heat.  Heat the olive oil in the pan and sauté chicken until cooked.  Add the vegetables and cook for a minute. 

4.  Crumble chicken bouillons into mixture and add water. Bring to a boil and add the rest of the spices except for the lemon juice and soy sauce. 

5.  Put the bihon in the pan and close with the lid for 2 minutes until rice noodles have come apart into the broth. 

6.  Stir around until chicken and vegetables are on top and rice noodles in the bottom.

7.  Add soaked sutanghon noodles and add soy sauce.  Mix all the stuff together again and close lid until all the liquid is absorbed.  Turn off fire.

8.  Add the lemon juice, scallions, and more soy sauce to taste.

If you want you can use 1 c. sodium free chicken broth instead of bouillons and add shrimp and use chicken breasts.  But if you don’t have the cash, this is really good for it. Enjoy!!!!!

Double the Cheese double the love

I had a yearning for cheeseburgers the other day.  I wanted to make a gourmet hamburger I could hopefully serve to the public one day.  Yes, the dreams of a startup bistro or small restaurant still runs through my head.  Ive been making and remaking recipes to perfect them for a couple years with fam as the taste tester.  Sometimes even the cats too.  I had recipe success with these burgers and I am damn proud of myself.  Even my family, which is hard to please loved them too.  But we could only eat so much.  It's summer here in Las Vegas and eating a lot of food is out of the question.  It was the perfect summer food.  I should only have bought some fries or something to complement the burgers!!
Nobody made the face of death either!! Even My brother in law ate it up.  Yay!!!!!!!  so here's the recipe which I am pretty proud of.  Enjoy the oozy cheesy goodness!!!

Double Cheese Italian Burgers

Serves 4-6

1 ½ lbs ground beef

1 egg

1/3 c. Italian style breadcrumbs

6 small slices fresh mozzarella

1 T lemon pepper

2 tsp. salt

2 tsp. onion powder

1 tsp. garlic powder

6 slices cheddar cheese

Directions

1. Place the ground beef in a large bowl with all the powders and spices. 

2. Put in breadcrumbs and egg.  Mix whole thing together with your hands

3. Put ½ c. of the mixture in your hand. Form it into a patty.  Place one slice of mozzarella in the middle.  Get ¼ c. of ground meat from the ball and place it on top.  Cover mozzarella completely and make sure you pinch the sides so cheese doesn’t leak out of the burger.

4. Place burger patties in the fridge for 15-30 minutes to firm up.

5. Put grill on medium heat.  When hot, place patties on grill and let cook.  It should take about 5 minutes When one side is cooked, you will see the sides as brown. Turn over and let cook for 3 minutes. 

6. Place slice of cheddar cheese on top and cover. Let steam melt the cheese. 

7. Place on toasted sesame seed bun with your choice of fixings.

YUMMMY CHEESE!!!!